562 Quotes by Jarod Kintz

I’m not a big car guy. I like compact cars.

Let’s make love in the library – in the romance section.

Learning how to love is like learning how to tie your shoes, and that’s precisely why I wear slippers.

I have discovered that the easiest way to make my nose appear smaller is to wear a Speedo on my head.

He had a new girl, and I told him she looked like Marilyn Monroe. He smiled because he thought I meant she was beautiful, and I smiled because I meant she looked like a corpse.

I’m not a very good sleeper. But you know what? I’m willing to put in a few extra hours every day to get better. That’s just the kind of hard worker I am.

If flowers were boogers, I’d pick a few big ones and flick them on your grave.

I want to be strapped to a table, while a family of chickens argues over who gets to eat my legs.

You gotta run more than your mouth to escape the treadmill of mediocrity. A true hustler jogs during the day, and sleepwalks at night.