562 Quotes by Jarod Kintz

I’m the kind of guy who puts other people first. Particularly if there’s danger up ahead. Now I’m not saying I’m any more cowardly than the next man, unless that next man is any other man besides my clone.

My clones better not wear invisible cloaks. How am I supposed to find myself as a person if I can’t even find my clones?

My late summer shorts caught fire, and that’s when all the red of autumn began. We fell in love while she roasted marshmallows over my toasty genitals.

You’re used to being the smartest guy in the room. Solitary confinement will do that.

I used to date the lead singer of The Cranberries, but she cheated on me. Turns out she had some turkey on the side.

I want to be happy and sad at the same time. Yeah, I know it sounds sappy.

Your personal brand should be like water: not only clear, but transparent to the public. People thirst for that, and they will drink you up.

I got a new car. I just need to put it together. They’re easier to steal piece by piece.

The only thing I could love more than you is two of you. And I suppose three.