562 Quotes by Jarod Kintz

Just to show my dad that I think he’s number one, I bought him a urinal cake for his birthday.

Moral codes are like the ocean. Some people live by them, while others, such as myself, would rather live by a lake.

My hands will get dirty holding your rose-shaped heart, because love is like gardening – it’s earthy and takes work to keep it alive.

With faith the size of a mustard seed, you can indeed move a mountain, but you can hardly be expected to garnish your sandwich.

I made a nap this afternoon. I made it out of two pillows, a bed, a sheet, a blanket, and exhaustion.

I made a graph of my emotions, a chart, and when I looked it over I was amazed to notice that the day Agatha broke up with me looked identical to the stock market crash of 1929. I thought I was the Irving Fisher of love.

An empty ketchup bottle full of romantic quotes is just what I need to turn my cheeseburger into the perfect lover. Now you can get more romantic for an upcharge of just 69 cents.

If my last name were Om, I’d want my first name to be Fred. Fred Om isn’t worth fighting for, but an extra “e” is.

I want my words to illuminate like the sun, as I give my daily lecture on photosynthesis to my houseplants.