562 Quotes by Jarod Kintz

My love is expansive. Your love is expensive.

If our destiny stems from our name, then I weep for the flower named Wilt.

It’s scary to be a woman on a blind date. For all she knows the man she is meeting up with could be a rapist, a murderer, or, God forbid, a politician.

I am approximately 96.694444% in love with you. Of course, that’s just a rough estimate.

John Wilkinson invented the horizontal boring machine, and what a boring machine it was! In fact, it’s so boring that I think I’ll go to sleep now.

What did I know of love then? What do I know of love now? I went from mustard to ketchup, but I’m still leading with my hotdog.

They should make bubblegum that tastes like mashed potatoes. You know, for lovers.

I like to call in sick to work at places where I’ve never held a job. Then when the manager tells me I don’t work there, I tell them I’d like to. But not today, as I’m sick.

On your birthday you should throw me a party. This is my advice for everybody, especially my clones.