562 Quotes by Jarod Kintz

I had a dream about you. You were storing my brain in a pickle jar in the fridge, and I only discovered it when I went to garnish my hamburger. Mindless and hungry, I was a US politician’s ideal voter.

Ideas are like legs: what good are they if you can’t run with them, or spread them?

I want to hang from a tree the way Spanish moss hung from my father’s face, like the mustache he was so embarrassed he couldn’t grow.

I just started working the graveyard shift at the cemetery. Come to think of it, every shift at the cemetery is the graveyard shift.

Water is translucent, but not invisible. But a glass half full is half translucent, half invisible, and you cannot drink what you cannot see, which may be why I am so thirsty for her love.

If there are two men, Rod and Rob, and you can only steal from one, which one would you choose? The answer is: Whichever one is a banker.

I think the key indicator for wealth is not good grades, work ethic, or IQ. I believe it’s relationships. Ask yourself two questions: How many people do I know, and how much ransom money could I get for each one?

I hate when I’m at the grocery store and the person checking me out asks, “Paper or plastic?” It’s offensive. As if I’m going to sleep with her just because she has a clever pick up line.

I would say exploit the stupid, because they’re expendable and loyal, but it’s a fact: politicians are not loyal.