562 Quotes by Jarod Kintz

Right now is the youngest I’ll ever be, so I suppose I’d better act immature while I still can.

33 old people went into a nursing home, and only 34 people came out alive. One old woman died while giving birth to twins.

I’d like to file a missing person’s report – on my clone. It’s nearly 2012. He should have been here by now.

I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is that your house hasn’t burned down, you don’t have cancer, and your daughter hasn’t been raped or murdered. The bad news is that I ran over your dog. And your son. And his wife. But not before I ran out of gas to achieve all of that.

Love is like learning to ride a midget, which I’ve never done because I’m afraid of heights.

I need to hire a babysitter for Friday night. I also need to buy myself some adult diapers.

Love is like war, except without all the blood and death and stuff.

I believe in true love. But my opinion is tainted, because I also believe in Bigfoot, aliens, and in the existence of honest politicians.

I want to be the kind of person that kind people like and want to be like.