562 Quotes by Jarod Kintz

I want my time to be taken up by chores, errands, appointments, and arguments. In other words, I want to get married.

I make art for one person and one person only. And as soon as I find that one person, I sure hope he has a lot of wall space, because he’ll be getting a lot of art from me.

This morning my girlfriend was so loud in bed that we woke up the neighbors. So I told them to roll over and go back to sleep.

To me, the perfect date consists of dinner, dancing, and sex with a girl who has no stomach or legs, but does have an overactive sex drive.

The Nike swoosh logo would make an interesting mustache – on a man who runs his mouth all the time.

I’m asexual, though occasionally I’m attracted to inanimate objects. Mainly tube-shaped objects.

I find out a lot about myself by sleeping. Dreams, they are who I am when I’m too tired to be me.

I have two friends, Steve and Martin. But I’d happily replace both for the friendship of Steve Martin.

I told her, “I admire your mustache madam, but I wonder, what’s for dessert?” Knowing her and knowing me, she probably thought I meant I love you.