562 Quotes by Jarod Kintz

Hoping to get a head start on the next day, I eat breakfast the night before. That way I can sleep in until two in the afternoon.

I could tell by their audible gasps that the people on the beach were jealous of me when I found five shark’s teeth. Locating them wasn’t really the problem, but pulling them out of my leg was.

It’s impossible for me to applaud your successes when my hands are too busy patting myself on the back. But if I clap for you, and you pat my back, we can both feel like winners.

The reason it’s hard for men to say “I love you” is because those three words represent 10% of the average man’s vocabulary.

After lunch, we made love like it was the 4th of July. And because it was the 4th of July, it felt exceptionally patriotic. I even wore my British flag t-shirt to commemorate the evening.

One of my main regrets in life is giving considerable thought to inconsiderate people.

I want a billion people to know my name as well as they know their own. I want to clone myself to fame.

The topic of weather isn’t small talk, when you’re conversing with a meteorologist.

The police called it choking, but I called it a two-handed neck hug. That’s how I knew she really loved me.