504 Quotes by Jerry Seinfeld

Actually, the only memory I have of being a Cub Scout was trying to get my hat back. That was all I did. Run back and forth at my bus stop going "Quit it."

There is no more embarrassing thing in my life that the fact that I have actually uttered the phrase, I would like to order the Ginsu Knife.

I think the answer is we all need a little help, and the coffee's a little help with everything — social, energy, don't know what to do next, don't know how to start my day, don't know how to get through this afternoon, don't know how to stay alert. We want to do a lot of stuff; we're not in great shape. We didn't get a good night's sleep. We're a little depressed. Coffee solves all these problems in one delightful little cup.

To a guy like me, a laugh is full of information.

If you go to a bad movie, it's two hours. If you're in a bad movie, it's two years.

Our good time is sitting in a coffee shop with a newspaper, writing a line on the back of a napkin. That is the most fun comedians ever have

There's no downside to fame and people who whine about it make me sick. It's the greatest thing in the world.

That's the most comfortable place for me. In the beginning, yes, I was nervous going on stage. I was not a natural performer. I really had to acquire that skill.

Women go after doctors like men go after models. They want someone with knowledge of the body. We just want the body.