504 Quotes by Jerry Seinfeld

Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason

Elaine: Ugh, I hate people.Jerry: Yeah, they're the worst.

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever seen that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. ‘Come on, buddy, let’s go. You get past me, the guy in the back of me, he’s got a spoon. Back off, I’ve got the toe clippers right here.

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.

Being a good husband is like being a stand-up comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner.

The best revenge is living well.