504 Quotes by Jerry Seinfeld

I don't understand women at all. Like how a women can pour boiling hot wax onto their upper thigh, then rip the hair out by the root... and still be afraid of a spider.

But the health clubs are a little too strict.What's with the high level of security? The picture IDs, the security guards, the people signing in and out... What is this, NORAD? I mean the people that have a membership go twice a year, who's breaking in? And what if they catch the person, what then? They run. That's aerobic, makes it even worse.

I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.

A bookstore is one of the many pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.

How come every day there's exactly the right amount of news to fill the paper?

Every other man is looking great saint after marriage.

The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!

Newman!!!

Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.