504 Quotes by Jerry Seinfeld

A chef who doesn't wash his hands is like a cop who steals. It's a cry for help.

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

You know, crankiness is at the essence of all comedy.

The luge is the only Olympic event where you could have people competing in it against their will, and it would look exactly the same. Take people off the street, Hey, hey, hey, what is this?! I don't wanna be in the luge! Once you put that helmet on them, You're in the luge, buddy! aaaAAAaaaAAAaaaAAA...aaaAAAAA... World record. Didn't even wanna do it. I'd like to see that next Olympics, the Involuntary Luge.

The biggest laugh has to come at the end.

A lot of times, you could play me just the laughs from my set, and I could tell you, from the laugh, what the joke was. Because they match.

Why is McDonalds still counting? How insecure is this company? 40 million, 80 billion million jillion killion tillion... who cares? Is anyone really impressed by that any more? Ooh, 89 billion sold? All right, I'll have one! I'm satisfied! I'd like to tell the CEO of McDonalds, Look. We all get it, okay? You've sold a lot of hamburgers. Whatever the number is, just put up a sign, 'McDonalds: We're Doing Very Well.' We are tired of hearing about every goddamn one of them.

Everybody lies about sex. People lie during sex. If it weren't for lies, there'd be no sex.

Forty is when you actually begin even deserving to be on stage telling people what you think.