504 Quotes by Jerry Seinfeld

  • Author Jerry Seinfeld
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    I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

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  • Author Jerry Seinfeld
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    And I'll tell ya, I'm really enjoying this marriage thing. You think about each other. You care about each other. It's wonderful! Plus, I love saying 'my wife.' Once I started saying it, I couldn't stop - 'my wife' this, 'my wife' that...it's an amazing way to begin a sentence.

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  • Author Jerry Seinfeld
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    I hate the waiting room. Because it's called the waiting room, there's no chance of not waiting. It's built, designed, and intended for waiting. Why would they take you right away when they've got this room all set up?

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  • Author Jerry Seinfeld
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    I became aware of autism through some friends who are dealing with it and it is heartbreaking. I wanted to do something to help address this problem and decided to do a show to raise funds for research. I was very impressed with the great work of Autism Speaks. I am happy to join forces with them and Bob and Suzanne Wright to help raise awareness of this prevalent issue.

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  • Author Jerry Seinfeld
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    What causes homophobia? What is it that makes the heterosexual man worry about this? I think it's because deep down all men know that we have weak sales resistance. We're constantly buying shoes that hurt us, pants that don't fit right. Men think, 'Obviously I can be talked into anything. What if I accidentally wander into some sort of homosexual store thinking it's a shoe store and the salesmen says, 'Just hold this guy's hand, walk around a little bit, see how it feels. No obligation, no pressure, just try it.'

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  • Author Jerry Seinfeld
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    What's the deal with Ovaltine? It comes in a round container, you put it in a round glass, why don't they call it Roundtine?

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  • Author Jerry Seinfeld
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    But after they settle in you've still got to be funny, because for an hour just the fact they get to see you live in a theater is going to wear off if you're not doing well.

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  • Author Jerry Seinfeld
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    Yeah, like Bizarro Superman, Superman's exact opposite, who lives in the backwards Bizarro world. Up is down, down is up, he says hello when he leaves, goodbye when he arrives.

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