504 Quotes by Jerry Seinfeld

I only do a show when there’s somebody I want to talk to.

I won’t do something unless I can get at least two or three good laughs out of it. If I can’t, it’s not gonna make the team.

There’s a tremendous power and energy in sharing your life with another person.

Celebrity is no different from any other energy. It’s a force for good or evil. It’s no different from money. It’s power.

The toughest nights when I was a young, unknown comedian were opening for these real old-time Italian singers. I’m like Grace Jones to them. “This guy is nuts-talking about socks. Where’s the wife jokes, where’s the fat jokes?”

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.

The peak of being a fan is a hotdog and a beer and a seat at the game. There’s nothing above that. Nothing above it.

Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say, “No animals allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs?” Who is that sign for? Is it for the dog, or the blind person?

Our good time is sitting in a coffee shop with a newspaper, writing a line on the back of a napkin. That is the most fun comedians ever have.