504 Quotes by Jerry Seinfeld

I’ve been car crazy my whole life, since I was nine years old. It’s just something I’m very aware of.

If you go to a bad movie, it’s two hours. If you’re in a bad movie, it’s two years.

See, you know how to take the reservation, you just don’t know how to hold the reservation and that’s really the most important part of the reservation, the holding. Anybody can just take them.

It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

Artists are always looking for new things and fresh ground and fresh air. If it feels new to me, there’s a chance it’ll feel new to the audience and we’ll have found something.

What’s with this weird hotel custom of leaving a piece of chocolate on the pillow? I awoke thinking my brain had hemorrhaged some sort of fecal matter.

I know what I’m doing, just show me somebody naked.

The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it’s so much fun.

Responsible, who wants to be responsible? Whenever something bad happens, it’s always, who’s responsible for this?