504 Quotes by Jerry Seinfeld

People should get married because they have finally seen the folly of being single: “Oh, this is all just kind of a bad magic trick. I just keep bending over to reach for this wallet on a string. How much longer am I gonna do that?”

We want to do a lot of stuff; we’re not in great shape. We didn’t get a good night’s sleep. We’re a little depressed. Coffee solves all these problems in one delightful little cup.

I know I’m not going to understand women. I’ll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

The big advantage of a book is that it’s very easy to rewind. Close it and you’re right back at the beginning.

Make no mistake about why these babies are here – they are here to replace us.

You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life, because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.

If aliens are watching us through telescopes, they’re going to think the dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?

Once you start doing only what you’ve already proven you can do, you’re on the road to death.

What is this obsession people have with books? They put them in their houses like they’re trophies. What do you need it for after you read it?