504 Quotes by Jerry Seinfeld

What I don’t understand is how women can pour hot wax on their bodies, let it dry, then rip out every single hair by its root and still be scared of spiders.

Have you ever noticed how they keep improving your laundry detergent, but they still can’t get those blue flakes out? Why do we trust them to get our clothes clean? These guys can’t even get the DETERGENT white!

I’ll tell you one thing, since I’m married, single people look absolutely ridiculous to me.

A movie is kind of like being the captain of a ship, which is nice, but when I perform by myself it’s just surfing on the water and nobody really knows what happens.

The truth is, the family is much more creatively nourishing because you’re playing on a full keyboard. Whereas when you’re single, you’re just playing the upbeat jazzy tunes.

I think vacations are mostly completely stupid. Going to have coffee with a friend, you’re probably going to have more fun than if you go to Aruba.

You’ll fold faster than Superman on laundry day.

Everything is in how you are going to handle it. As a lifelong nightclub comic, I’m ready to handle whatever I have to handle.

The truth is, I had always wanted to be a comedian, but I really didn’t have that kind of personality, and it’s a terrifying thing to say.