504 Quotes by Jerry Seinfeld

I can’t eat chicken and look at strippers at the same time.

People on dates shouldn’t even be allowed out in public.

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God’s final word on where your lips end.

I am speechless: I have no speech.

I’ll tell you what I like about Chinese people: they’re hanging in there with the chop sticks, aren’t they? You know they’ve seen the fork. They’re staying with the sticks.

For people on my side of the cubicle, the goal is always creativity. Spending your time overcoming corporate resistance to creativity – I just don’t want to do that.

See, the thing of it is, there’s a lot of ugly people out there walking around but they don’t know they’re ugly because nobody actually tells them.

Everybody lies about sex. People lie during sex. If it weren’t for lies, there’d be no sex.

I don’t want to hear the specials. If they’re so special, put ’em on the menu.