504 Quotes by Jerry Seinfeld

Stand-up is hard.

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

What is a date, really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference is there aren't many job interviews where you'll wind up naked.

There's no easy way to break off any relationship. It's like the mozzarella cheese on a good slice of pizza. No matter how far you pull the slice away from your mouth it just gets thinner and longer but never snaps.

A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.

According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that seem right? That means to the average person, if you have to go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.

The worst thing about television is that everybody you see on television is doing something better than what you're doing.

Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can't do it in one push. You gotta rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.

A two-year-old is like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.