504 Quotes by Jerry Seinfeld

That's the true spirit of Christmas: people being helped by people other than me.

Dogs have no money. Isn't that amazing? They're broke their entire lives. But they get through. You know why dogs have no money? No pockets.

Dogs are smarter than lots of people. They wag their tails instead of their tongue.

Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.

Let's face it; a date is a job interview that lasts all night. The only difference between a date and a job interview is: not in many job interviews is there a chance you'll end up naked at the end of it

I'll tell you one of the great activities is skateboarding. To learn to do a skateboard trick, how many times do you gotta get something wrong til you get it right? And you hurt yourself, and you learn to do that trick, now you got a life lesson. Every time I see those skateboard kids, I think 'those kids'll be alright.'

Make no mistake about why these babies are here they are here to replace us.

I am so busy doing nothing that the idea of doing anything which as you know, always leads to something cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not the color, but to accept God's final decision on where your lips end.