559 Quotes by Jim Gaffigan

Other people's children's birthday parties are the most joyful events you will ever resent having to attend.

Meredith Baxter Birney gets beaten by a rod, in the Lifetime Original, Rod.

If camping is so great, why are the bugs always trying to get in your house?

You don't use mayonnaise, why? ... Are you addicted to mayonnaise? Is it okay if I use mayonnaise? I could go outside...

I'd have to say Sunset Salsa. Nothing against Honey Lime, but it's for losers.

There is the vegetarian Hot Pocket for those of us who don't want to eat meat, but would still like diarrhea.

I wouldn't say that comedy brought me away from it.I think that my idea of faith was another obligation in my life.

Kale is a superfood and it’s special power is tasting bad.

Lean Pockets, I don't even wanna know what's in those. I wonder what the directions are on a box of Lean Pockets: 'Remove from box, place directly in toilet.' Flush Pocket!