559 Quotes by Jim Gaffigan

Hey, people who travel with their bed pillow. You look insane.

Actually, the reason I look like this is because my father was from Sweden and my mother was Elton John.

Cancer is always funny.

I think when I started doing stand-up, that's when I really tried to question everything in my belief system which is - I think a pretty important part of being a comedian is really questioning things.

I love the impatience of New York... You ever had somebody not ask you for directions, but demand them? You're just innocently walking down the street, you hear a horn, all of a sudden some guy's like, 'HOLLAND TUNNEL!!!' ...You know, like you were supposed to fax this guy directions. Suddenly, you're wasting HIS time.

The Thanksgiving tradition is, we gorge. Hey, what about at Thanksgiving we simply consume a considerable measure? However we do that consistently! Goodness. Imagine a scenario where we consume a ton with individuals who pester the heck out of us.

The hardest part of the day is all the stuff after I open my eyes in the morning.

I talk kinda slow, especially for the Northeast, so it was a way to beat (would-be hecklers) to the punch.

You ever talk about a movie with someone that read the book? They're always so condescending. 'Ah, the book was much better than the movie.' Oh really? What I enjoyed about the movie: no reading.