559 Quotes by Jim Gaffigan

Not that I don't think irreverent humor and someone being filthy is funny, I just do what I do. Any comedian would admit throwing an f-bomb in there would help get a reaction. ... I'm not on a Puritanical pursuit, but when I would curse in a joke, I believe I'm not done writing it.

I would make sweet love to Don Rickles.

It's like in most parts of America, where there was industry and there is no longer; there is cynicism mixed with sarcasm and some optimism. That's how my background influenced my comedy.

I am originally from Indiana. I know what most of you are thinking: Indiana - mafia.

There's something that's really fun about the challenge of making the mundane funny, too, I think.

I guess the reasons against having more children always seem uninspiring and superficial. What exactly am I missing out on? Money? A few more hours of sleep? A more peaceful meal? More hair? These are nothing compared to what I get from these five monsters who rule my life.

I went to a Catholic University and there's something about being a Catholic-American. You know, St. Patrick's Day is, I'm Irish-Catholic. There's alcoholism in my family. It's like I've got to be Catholic, right?

My wife's gotten really lazy, or as she calls it, 'pregnant.'

Imagine you're drowning, and someone hands you a baby.