559 Quotes by Jim Gaffigan

I've never eaten a Hot Pocket and then afterwards been, "I'm glad I ate that." I'm always like, "I'm gonna die! I paid for that? Did I eat it or rub it on my face? My back hurts."

Pie can’t compete with cake. Put candles in a cake, it’s a birthday cake. Put candles in a pie, and somebody’s drunk in the kitchen.

You can't tell me the success of Kevin Bacon isn't somehow tied to his name. You're not going out to see a Kevin Hot-Dog movie.

When you hear bacon cooking....that sizzling sound isn't the fat cooking....that's applause.

My goal in life is to be as happy as a studio audience.

I'd really like to promote my increasing consumption of bacon.

I married a woman who loves to camp, and I am what you would call "indoorsy"... My wife always brings up, "Camping's a tradition in my family." Hey, it was a tradition in everyone's family 'til we came up with the house.

I lived across from a Catholic church for 15 years that I never went into. And then I got married to my wife and - you know, and now we're going in there every other day baptizing a kid.

You ever read an article, and at the bottom, it says, 'Continued on page six'? I'm , 'Not for me. I'm done.'