559 Quotes by Jim Gaffigan

I can't believe we got grades in gym class. I've never used anything I learned in there. "All right, I'm standing in front of a room full of strangers. Based on what I learned in gym class, I will throw a red ball at a fat guy."

If you're a guy over 30 by yourself in the hotel pool, you automatically look like a murderer who's just relaxing after he strangled a family. "Yeah-that dad was a tough one to kill."

I was watching Animal Planet. Did you know that the male seahorse has the baby? And I was thinking, "Why don't they just call that the female seahorse?" You know it's just some stubborn scientist. "Yeah, that one there's the male seahorse." And his assistant's like, "Uh, Bill, that one's having a baby." ... "The male has the baby. You're fired."

After you eat a Hot Pocket, Everything will taste like rubber for a month!

How about those people who don't need sleep? What are they called again? Successful? What a bunch of dicks they are.

The appetizer is just an excuse for an extra meal. Let's see, I will start with the eighty buffalo wings.

I like that in my audiences, there's a lesbian couple sitting next to a Mormon family.

I smoke crack. I get all my dancers together and we do a prayer.

Weight Watchers says nothing tastes better than thin feels. I can think of a thousand things that taste better than thin feels.