559 Quotes by Jim Gaffigan

Babies, they learn how to walk and they are already trying to run away. You can't reach the doorknob, you only know us, think it through.

You think Jesus ever tried to talk God out of some of that stuff? 'Instead of that whole crucifixion, how about we do a big fundraiser!'

Stand-up is an amazing art form, I think, because it's all about you having complete control of the situation, but absolutely none.

I'm getting fat ... as I planned. Luckily, my gut is intentional. I'm actually preparing for a big role. Sure, it's a cinnamon roll.

I was raised in a family where my father was the first one to go to college.

I got married. My wife changed her name. I know some women have a problem with that. But I wanted her to have my old girlfriend's name. So call me old-fashioned, but this fella does what the Bible tells.

Nursery schools and bars at 2 a.m. are the only places where it is completely normal if someone just spontaneously throws up on the floor...and just like a toddler, the bar patron wakes up the next day not remembering or caring how they behaved.

Without Valentine's Day, February would be... well, January.

Now that I'm married and have two beautiful children, it really makes me appreciate... being alone.