559 Quotes by Jim Gaffigan

My wife told me that in the Bible, Abraham circumcised himself... wow! I can't even get to the bank before it closes.

It is amazing how much more amazing sleep is in the morning. You wake up and you're like, "I stayed up to do what?! Watch Growing Pains? What was I thinking!?" But at night you're like, "La La La La La, Hey! Growing Pains, awesome! And I've seen this episode. That Kirk Cameron's always in trouble."

Bacon's the best. Even the frying of bacon sounds like applause.

You didn't question - kind of like, you would go to college. You would wear a tie to work. You would, you know, you would work for 40 years. And then you would play golf for three years, and then you would die. That was how I was raised.

I only dated one Asian girl, but she was very Asian. She was a panda.

What kind of life are you leading where you consider ketchup fancy? "Well, we ain't rich folk, but on special occasions, I'll break out the ketchup. Grandma's birthday, make her feel special"

My faith kind of keeps me in touch with the idea that I'm not in control of things.

Is there a homeless guy built in to the design of Dunkin' Donuts? ...There'll be an entrance here... a deranged lunatic here.

I'm not a strict vegetarian. I do eat beef and pork. And chicken. But not fish 'cause that's disgusting! How do you know when fish goes bad? It smells like fish either way! 'Hey this smells like a dumpster, lets eat it!'