559 Quotes by Jim Gaffigan

Be undeniable.

I love sleep. I need sleep. We all do, of course. There are those people that don't need sleep. I think they're called 'successful.

For me, it's always a little sad getting out of bed. Every morning after I get up, I always gaze longingly at my bed and lament, 'You were wonderful last night. I didn't want it to end. I can't wait to see you again.

What's that like?" I explained what it was like having a fourth kid very simply: imagine you are drowning... and then someone hands you a baby.

I'm a fan of relaxing, and when i get tired of relaxing I like to do nothing.

If you ever mention something fun that you are going to do with your young children, and there is any time that will elapse between the very moment you bring it up and when you are actually doing the fun thing, you will be batraged with questions during that entire time period. If you tell them that you might go to Disney at some point in the coming year, you have opened a Pandora's box.

Culturally we cherish a pregnant woman...We say "Congratulations" when we see a pregnant woman, but there is usually an element of scandal associated with it. Pregnant women are either too young or too old, or it's too soon after another pregnancy, or she's going to get in trouble at work. She's too poor, too rich, too successful, too skinny, too fat, too crazy, too busy too single, too married, too too.

I don't know what's more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you're doing.

Whenever one of my children says, 'Goodnight, Daddy,' I always think to myself, 'You don't mean that.