559 Quotes by Jim Gaffigan

If only opening a Vitamin Water could be classified as working out.

You never want to be the worst bowler of the group-because then everyone treats you like you have cancer. "You can do it! We're praying for you." The advice starts. "Use a heavier ball." "Keep your arm straight." "You should get a vasectomy." If you're really bad at bowling like me, they'll ask if want the bumpers up. Not that bowling is that complex anyway. "You want the bumpers? We can get rid of the pins. Why don't you take this coloring book and sit in the corner?"

My wife always asks me why I don't make the bed. And I respond with the same reason why I don't tie my shoes after I take them off.

I love stand-up comedians. I really do.

I always had this romantic notion of living in New York. I just felt like, everyone could be different and weird and whatever they are in New York.

Now don't get me wrong, I love animals, but I like eatin' 'em more... fun to pet, better to chew.

I'm closer to Bob Newhart than Rodney Dangerfield.

Some fast food places, they have that ketchup pump. It's like a keg. They give you the paper shot glass. I always like to hang around there, try and meet the ladies. "Here, I'll pump for you. You come to this Wendy's often? My roommate and I, we got a pony pump back at my dorm. Here's an extra shot "

Some people have their own bowling ball and their own bowling shoes... and no friends.