149 Quotes by Jimmy Carr

Like most of the world’s population I’m into coffee, my perfect weekend would start with a pint of coffee.

I, of course, don’t have an accent. This is just how things sound when they are pronounced properly.

But what’s true about comedians is that we’ve all got a huge hole in our personality. In a room of 3,000 people, we’re the one person facing in the opposite direction – yet we have this overwhelming desire to be liked.

Women were quite terrifying until I was older. I think that’s partly down to confidence.

I was out with a friend and he came over with a pair of girls. I said to him “They’re like buses.” He said “What? Because you wait for ages and then two come along at once.” I said “No, they are like buses!”

I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn’t eat before you swim. She said, “why not”? I said, you look fat.

Viagra has instructions: ‘Keep away from children’ – what kind of man do you think I am?

In Pizza Express you can get garlic bread with cheese and tomato. Now correct me if I’m wrong, but that’s a pizza.

Ten years after the Chernobyl accident, and am I the only one that’s disappointed? Still no superheros.