661 Quotes by Jimmy Fallon

Iran said it will give up trying to make a nuclear weapon. But it got awkward when Iran said, 'But just for Lent. We'll start again on Monday.'

Police in Texas arrested a man who was using the alias 'Barack Obama' while trying to steal money from 35 ATMs. They could tell something was up when a guy named Barack Obama was trying to take money from banks instead of giving it to them.

I just heard about a woman in Germany who just gave birth to a baby boy named "Jihad." Or as the TSA put it, "Hope you like Amtrak!

Rick Perry said Donald Trump is unfit to be president and called for him to immediately withdraw from the race. Then he said, 'And that's coming from ME!'

Many people are noting the difference between Hillary Clinton's friendly public appearances and her blunt and direct Twitter account. Yeah, she's nice in person, and mean on the Internet. You know, kinda like EVERYONE.

A new survey found that 12 percent of parents punish their kids by banning social networking sites. The other 88 percent punish their kids by joining social networking sites.

Starbucks is planning to close down all the restrooms in its New York locations. Which explains the most popular new Starbucks order: An empty cup.

After Donald Trump wrote Lindsey Graham's cellphone number on a piece of paper and showed it to everybody, Graham said he's getting a new phone. Which explains Lindsey Graham's latest campaign slogan, 'New phone, who dis?'

That's right, Mitt Romney took on Evander Holyfield in a boxing match for charity, and it was a pretty one-sided fight. But it was still not the worst boxing match we've seen this month. This weekend Vladimir Putin played in an exhibition hockey game with some former NHL players and scored eight goals. Even Evander Holyfield and Mitt Romney said, 'That looks fake.'