661 Quotes by Jimmy Fallon

Thinking about all that – what it means to be happy – I think it overloaded your brain.

Nissan is recalling almost 135,000 Infiniti G35s to address an airbag problem. When Toyota heard that, they said, ‘Airbags! I knew we forgot something.’

Thank you, yard sales, for being the perfect way to say to your neighbors: ‘We think we’re important enough to charge money for our garbage.’

I just really don’t like being the center of attention that much. It’s kind of ironic.

Wearing shorts is a huge perk. I think it’s probably one of the reasons people become mailmen. You also get to drive in that vehicle that should be illegal in the United States, where the steering wheel is on the other side. They have no rules! They are the punk rock of government jobs.

Thank you slow-walking family in front of me on the sidewalk. No, please, take your time. And definitely spread out, too, so you create a barricade of idiots. I am so thankful that you forced me to walk into the street and risk getting hit by a car in order to pass you so I could resume walking at a normal human pace.

You run on the treadmill. But you need to stop watching The Food Network when you’re doing it. That is how you torture yourself.

A new poll also shows that a majority of people in Colorado think Hillary Clinton is not trustworthy. Although, that’s not saying much coming from the most paranoid state in America. ‘Hillary Clinton? She’s a cop?’

Today is the midterm elections. The Washington Post is predicting that there’s a 98 percent chance of the Republicans taking the Senate and The New York Times says there’s a 75 percent chance. And CNN said, ‘Wait, that’s today?’