661 Quotes by Jimmy Fallon

Apple is developing a service called Home Kit that will allow people to operate gadgets like garage openers and thermostats through one app. In related news, please don’t tell my parents about this. I can’t be explaining this stuff every week.

Mike Huckabee said he’s the only person who has fought the Clinton political machine and won. As opposed to Democratic candidate Bernie Sanders, who’s the only person who fought a fax machine and lost.

There couldn’t have been a better Hollywood ending for us. It’s beyond baseball. It’s rooting for your family.

An Internet rumor claims that John Kerry had an affair with a young woman. When asked if this was similar to the Clinton-Lewinsky scandal, a spokesman said ‘Close, but no cigar.’

Senate Democrats blocked President Obama’s trade bill yesterday because they’re worried it could hurt jobs. It’s not an issue for Republicans, since they’ve all found work as presidential candidates.

In a speech in South Carolina, Donald Trump responded to criticisms from Senator Lindsey Graham by giving out Graham’s personal cellphone number. Graham knew something was up when he saw he had more than one missed call.

Shouldn’t every day be Earth Day? I mean, what are our options?

New Scientist magazine reported that in the future, cars could be powered by hazelnuts. That’s encouraging, considering an eight-ounce jar of hazelnuts costs about nine dollars. Yeah, I’ve got an idea for a car that runs on bald eagle heads and Faberge eggs.

President Obama is in China now for an economic summit in Beijing. The president wore a traditional purple silk shirt along with Chinese President Xi Jinping and Vladimir Putin. That’s after they taught Putin how to put a shirt ON.