661 Quotes by Jimmy Fallon

I know what you want. And I know what you need. But I’m gonna screw it up, yeah, cause I’m an idiot. And I’m your boyfriend.

President Obama has reduced the sentences of 22 federal prisoners who were arrested for drug-related crimes – eight of whom were serving life sentences. It marks the first time someone has said ‘Thanks Obama’ but actually meant it.

Japan and South Korea are on high alert after North Korea successfully launched a long-range rocket. Both countries are surprised by North Korea’s successful launch, but definitely not as surprised as North Korea.

A political action committee trying to raise money for a 2016 Hillary Clinton campaign is selling “Ready for Hillary” champagne glasses and Christmas ornaments. Because if one thing improves the holidays, it’s drinking mixed with politics.

There’s a new Facebook app that will post a final status update for you after you die. That’s ridiculous. I don’t need someone to change my status when I die. I need them to water my Farmville crops.

The Tonight Show didn’t seem like an actual job that you could have. All you remember is you watched Johnny Carson, and you never thought he would retire.

We picked the Red Sox because they lose. If you root for something that loses for 86 years, you’re a pretty good fan. You don’t have to win everything to be a fan of something.

After President Obama announced his support for net neutrality yesterday, Texas Senator Ted Cruz tweeted that ‘Net neutrality is Obamacare for the Internet.’ While Ted Cruz continues to be the Taylor Swift of not getting over Obamacare.

During his weekly address to the nation, President Obama discussed higher education and said, ‘The most important skill you can sell is your knowledge.’ Or as English majors working at Starbucks put it, ‘No it’s not.’