661 Quotes by Jimmy Fallon

Big news from last night’s Republican debate, you guys. It turns out George Bush was actually the smart Texas governor.

This weekend the Conservative Political Action Conference, CPAC, featured several speakers including Sarah Palin and Phil Robertson from ‘Duck Dynasty.’ It was a good weekend for conservatives – and a great weekend for wild animals.

There’s a growing trend of older Americans who are using marijuana in their retirement. That makes sense because old people are always talking about their joints.

A top aide to Donald Trump says he quit the campaign this weekend because of Trump’s public feuds, but Trump said he was fired. When asked what he was fired for, Trump said, ‘Quitting!’

If people want to see you, they’ll find you. If they don’t see you on TV, they’ll find you on the Internet.

The White House announced that it has rejected several petitions to legalize marijuana. They say it has nothing to do with politics. It’s just that they can’t accept a petition that was written on a crumpled up Funyuns bag.

Disney World is celebrating its 40th birthday! You can tell the characters are getting old. In addition to Snow White’s seven dwarfs, she now has 25 cats.

It was just revealed that Donald Trump hasn’t voted in primary elections in over 20 years. Or in simpler terms, Trump hasn’t voted in primary elections in over three wives.

When I was a kid, you would tune in to ‘The Tonight Show’ before you went to sleep. Johnny Carson. A big treat. I know it’s a privilege of mine to be able to be in people’s homes. So I hope I make everyone proud, including my parents, and do a good job in this.