661 Quotes by Jimmy Fallon

Researches tested a new form of medical marijuana that treats pain but doesn’t get the user high, prompting patients who need medical marijuana to declare, ‘Thank you?’

In a two-hour interview last Friday, Bruce Jenner told ABC’s Diane Sawyer, ‘For all intents and purposes, I’m a woman.’ At which point, Joe Biden ran in and started giving Bruce a shoulder rub.

Mitt Romney will travel to London where he will attend the Olympics opening ceremony. Of course it’s going ot be weird when they’re announcing all the countries, and he’s like ‘Got a bank account there, got one there, two bank accounts there.’

During a charity boxing match on Friday, Mitt Romney lasted two rounds against Evander Holyfield and raised a million dollars. It was just like Holyfield’s fight with Mike Tyson, except Romney chewed off his other ear talking about his 18 grandchildren.

According to a new poll, 48 percent of Americans believe that Hillary Clinton is honest and trustworthy. Then Hillary said, ‘Actually I just made that poll up.’

Sandler’s always good. Tom Hanks gave me some good advice.

A Miami judge issued Florida’s first gay marriage license yesterday, which makes it the 36th state to legally perform gay marriages. Of course, most Florida residents are too old to understand what that means. They’ll say, ‘Well, I think all marriages should be gay, and merry.’

Newt Gingrich plans to announce his campaign for president this Wednesday. I don’t know about his chances. I mean, I’m not saying Gingrich peaked in the ’90s, but his campaign is being sponsored by Tamagotchis and Crystal Pepsi.

Apparently, the Obamas chose New York City because they’ve gotten so used to people trying to break into their house.