619 Quotes by Joan Rivers

Whenever there's a new baby in my family, even if I don't know who the father is, I display pictures of it. But only one or two per child. No one wants to see 37 pictures of your grandchild - which is also why you must never carry more than one picture of each grandchild in your wallet.

Never buy a fur from a vegetarian.

I'm sure some of you are wondering whether my breasts are real. Let me just explain to you. This one is, this one isn't.

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.

A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. He gave her a lobotomy.

A female salmon lays three thousand eggs a year - and has yet to receive a Mother's Day card from one of them.

We were hoping to meet Mr. Right. We didn't even get a wink.

Two is company; three is fifty bucks.

I felt comedy ego beginning to grow, which gave me the courage to begin tentatively looking into myself for material.