619 Quotes by Joan Rivers

The last time I appeared in Las Vegas, they were wearing hoop skirts and Davy Crockett hats, ... But they say 'What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.' And as far as fashion is concerned, that's a good thing.

I thought she looked sensational. She was going with her own drummer. A lot of them look like cookie-cutters now and they're all the same look, the same dress. The ones that are so wonderful are the ones that absolutely wear things that nobody else can wear.

Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.

I've learned: When you get older, who cares? I don't mince words, I don't hold back. What are you gonna do to me? Fire me? It's been done. Threaten to commit suicide? Done. Take away my show? Done! Not invite to me to the Vanity Fair party? I've never been invited! If I ever saw the invitation, I'd use it as toilet paper.

I think it's time they knew the truth about Beethoven.

Every comedian is furious. Age makes me angry. I'm unhappy at not being able to open packages anymore. I'm angry that libraries have gone. I hate children on planes. I'm very shallow, so they tend to be little things. To be honest, I think I was probably angry the day I was born, you know, about diapers or something.

That was the beginning of a very good run.

Comedy is truth. We should not apologize for it.

I was not a pretty child. I developed humor to be accepted.