619 Quotes by Joan Rivers

Once you begin to believe there is help ""out there,"" you will know it to be true.

My mother was a very elegant woman. When a flying saucer landed on the lawn, she turned it over to see if it was Wedgwood.

Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.

I have no sex appeal, which kills me. The only way I can ever hear heavy breathing from my husband's side of the bed is when he's having an asthma attack.

I have so little sex appeal that my gynecologist calls me 'sir'.

And then my dog came and sat in my lap. I knew I had to hang in there for Spike.

The nice thing about Viagra is that they are proving men can go blind on it, so you can gain weight and have a great sex life.

Acting is my true love. I would like to have been a serious actor, and I plan to in the next life. I'm gonna be Meryl Streep Rivers.

Your anger can be 49 % and your comedy 51 %, and you're okay. If the anger is 51 %, the comedy is gone.