619 Quotes by Joan Rivers

When you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you.

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes had the baby. He was there for the birth. It would've been nice if he was there for the conception.

Boy George is all England needs - another queen who can't dress.

I’m never without a bandage.

It's very important, and if it's the child, no matter how prepubescent or ugly it is, you always say, 'Don't you look great?' You speak to the child even if the face is a pizza.

I think I've lost 3lbs - I'm very, very happy. I thought of it as work and a spa.

A child of one can be taught not to do certain things such as touch a hot stove, turn on the gas, pull lamps off their tables by their cords, or wake mommy before noon

Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top.

Mick Jagger could French-kiss a moose. He has child-bearing lips.