619 Quotes by Joan Rivers

After we made love he took a piece of chalk and made an outline of my body.

I love gay and lesbian parents. But I think we need a law that says lesbians and gay men have to raise their children together. This way, the kids would not only know how to build bookshelves, but they'd also instinctively know how to decorate them.

The first rule of survival is: Make your own rules. The hell anyone thinks about the way you're acting; listen only to yourself.

I am so out of the loop. I am never honored. My career is hilarious to me. I am either under the radar or over the radar.

Any comic is a very good actor. Look at Don Rickles. He is saying the same joke every night for 20 years and making it look like he just thought of it.

How could she not be happy? She was tall, thin, gorgeous and rich, rich, rich, with a husband who didn't want to sleep with her, two normal children and she had a crown.

Every time I get on an airplane I figure it's gonna get blown up. You live on the edge.

If you're not a wreck in this business, you're not around.

Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.