619 Quotes by Joan Rivers

When I turn down work, I feel guilty, I feel terrible; I don't know where the next job is going to come from.

You could have had Rosie O'Donnell here to talk about how to be straight. Like no one knew she was gay.

Oprah Winfrey is so powerful that she had the Rapture postponed until after her final show airs.

Sold my house in LA, packed myself up and moved to New York, not knowing anybody. Friends are very hard to make after a certain age.

I think any celebrity that adopts a child from a third world country is a fool.

All my way through college, I worked my way as a window dresser for Lord & Taylor, so I always liked fashion. I always loved fashion and I love that we can do it and not take it seriously.

I think anyone who's perfectly happy isn't particularly funny.

I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.

Since I met him ten years ago there hasn't been a day that I didn't think of George Burns. And I didn't think of him again today.