619 Quotes by Joan Rivers

Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you’re funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.

Anyone that says looks don’t count is lying. Of course they do. Even babies go to the attractive face. It’s the way humans work.

Life is so tough. I don’t know how old you are, but I’ve seen so much in a wink. One phone call and your life is changed forever. We all know that. You better laugh at everything.

I lived to be on stage, and I’m terrified. Terrified before every show.

Thank God we’re living in a country where the sky’s the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

If you don’t want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.

I think I’ve lost 3lbs – I’m very, very happy. I thought of it as work and a spa.

Russell Brand has announced that he plans to write a series of children’s books. First up: ‘Horton Hears a Heroin Dealer.’

Boy George is all England needs – another queen who can’t dress.