619 Quotes by Joan Rivers

Everyone thinks Angelina Jolie was the first celebrity baby hoarder, but she wasn’t. Before Angelina there was Mia Farrow. Mia had an entire farm full of children. I think she got them at Costco.

Liked” was the kiss of death. “Loved” or “hated” interested him. At least the performer had aroused emotion.

Yeah, I read history. But it doesn’t make you nice. Hitler read history, too.

Omaha is a little like Newark, without Newark’s glamour.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she’s a tramp.

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.

Never admit that your back goes out more than you do.

The thing is, I’m happiest when I’m on stage.

I have no sex appeal, which kills me. The only way I can ever hear heavy breathing from my husband’s side of the bed is when he’s having an asthma attack.