619 Quotes by Joan Rivers

Grandchildren can be annoying – how many times can you go: “And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink”? It’s like talking to a supermodel.

I hate thin people; ‘Oh, does the tampon make me look fat?’

I always like a charity with people who don’t speak English because I get them to do all kinds of things around my house.

It’s been so long since I made love I can’t even remember who gets tied up.

I said Justin Bieber looked like a little lesbian – and I stand by it: He’s the daughter Cher wishes she’d had.

I’m no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.

Florida wants to change the state’s motto to attract younger people. They’re thinking about: More than just a great place to die.

Comedy exists to laugh at things that aren’t laughable. But isn’t it? That’s what separates us from the animals. We laugh.

I was absorbing a sorry truth of show business – rejection is the norm and acceptance the oddity. I was learning to cut the tops off my highs and stay with the lows where the rejections and letdowns would be shallow.