619 Quotes by Joan Rivers

I started my career in a town so small the local clinic was called Fred’s Hospital and Grill.

I’ve learned to have absolutely no regrets about any jokes I’ve ever done.

I think Hillary Clinton’s style is perfect. Perfect. You don’t notice what she’s wearing, you notice the woman.

Both of my parents got to see me host Carson, thank God. That’s all anyone wants: to have their parents see they’re going to be all right in life.

All Angelina Jolie wants to do is do good for people. And she was saying to me: If I could just make one person happy, Joan, I’ll die satisfied. I said: Easy! Just give Jennifer Aniston back her husband.

Edgar had a heart attack, and I’m to blame. We were making love, and I took the bag off my head.

Dogs are easier to love than people; they’re certainly more dependable. Once they love you, that’s it. A true friend in life is a dog.

Comedy – and I say this with humility – comedy needs me.

I said, “Is there!” I told him there is a Mafia school where they teach them math – if Johnny has ten fingers and they cut off two, how many does he have left?