619 Quotes by Joan Rivers

I caused my husband’s heart attack. In the middle of lovemaking I took the paper bag off my head. He dropped the Polaroid and keeled over and so did the hooker. It would have taken me half an hour to untie myself and call the paramedics, but fortunately the Great Dane could dial.

As a wedding gift, Ray J gave Kim Kardashian his profits from their sex tape. It’s ‘Something Old’ as well as ‘Something Blew.’

I’m racist? How can that even be possible? I was a friend of Michael Jackson’s back when he was black.

Now, I’m not against sex before marriage, but two minutes before? When the organist played “Here Comes the Bride”...

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes had the baby. He was there for the birth. It would’ve been nice if he was there for the conception.

I like my politicians and my judges and my lawyers to be simple. I think if you worry about where your hemline is you’re really not concentrating on the world crisis.

Here’s a Thanksgiving tip. Generally, your turkey is not cooked enough if it passes you the cranberry sauce.

It’s obvious that women are smarter than men. Think about it – diamonds are a girl’s best friend; man’s best friend is a dog.

When my husband Edgar and I were courting, he said he couldn’t wait to have a baby. It was only after we were married that he changed his mind and decided that I should have the baby.