619 Quotes by Joan Rivers

All my friends are dying. That’s why I always wear black.

You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.

What are people going to do? Fire me? I’ve been fired before. Not book me? I’ve been out of work before. I don’t care.

I hate McDonald’s. I don’t want to order my dinner by yelling into a clown’s mouth. If I want my face in a clown’s mouth, I’ll tongue kiss Glenn Beck.

My daughter and I are very close, we speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, “pick up, I know you’re there.”

Elizabeth Taylor’s so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.

I don’t think there’d be a Tina Fey now if I hadn’t tried to look good in the beginning.

I was so ugly that my parents sent my picture to ‘ripley’s believe it or not’ – they sent it back and said, “we don’t believe it.”

People are arguing whether Mel Gibson’s “Passion of the Christ” is anti-semitic. Well, whether it is or it isn’t, it doesn’t matter, because I’ve been in touch with his accounting firm, Rosencrantz, Levy and Stern, and they’re screwing him out of his profits.