619 Quotes by Joan Rivers

Anyone that says looks don’t count is lying.

If you’re saying the same line 10 times and making it look like you just came up with it, that’s acting.

Since I met him ten years ago there hasn’t been a day that I didn’t think of George Burns. And I didn’t think of him again today.

I’ve learned to have absolutely no regrets about any jokes I’ve ever done You can tune me out, you can click me off, it’s OK. I am not going to bow to political correctness. But you do have to learn, if you want to be a satirist, you can’t be part of the party.

I don’t think I’m good in bed. My husband never said anything, but after we made love he’d take a piece of chalk and outline my body.

With age comes wisdom. You don’t need big boobs to be feminine. Look at Liberace.

I had a blind date with a dentist – and he told me to come back in six months.

My grandson is mad at me. He’s mad at me because I squandered his college fund on Spanx. It’s a lot, but there’s a lot going on here.

Don’t talk to me about gravity. When I get out of bed in the morning, I have to be careful not to step on my breasts.