619 Quotes by Joan Rivers

No man will ever put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.

The worst thing that ever happened to me on stage is someone ran forward to tell me they loved me and projectile vomited all over the stage. It was horrible.

I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, 'Marry him. You'll double your wardrobe.'

I am never honored. My career is hilarious to me. I am either under the radar or over the radar.

Comedy - and I say this with humility - comedy needs me.

My body is a temple, and my temple needs redecorating

I walk on a stage, and I know if it's been a good show or not. You know when it's been a good interview. No one has to tell you. You know it. You feel it. You can feel the air. You can feel everything about it when it's a good show. And you know when you've messed up.

At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.

I like colonic irrigation because sometimes you find old jewelry.